Counselor's Corner 04.03.2022 Update

What to Do (and Not Do) When Children Are Anxious

How to respect feelings without empowering fears

When children are chronically anxious, even the most well-meaning parents, not wanting a child to suffer, can actually make the youngster’s anxiety worse. It happens when parents try to protect kids from their fears. Here are pointers for helping children escape the cycle of anxiety.

 

1. The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety but to help a child manage it.

None of us wants to see a child unhappy, but the best way to help kids overcome anxiety isn’t to try to remove stressors that trigger it. It’s to help them learn to tolerate their anxiety and function, as well as they, can, even when they’re anxious. And as a byproduct of that, the anxiety will decrease over time.

 

2. Don’t avoid things just because they make a child anxious.

Helping children avoid the things they are afraid of will make them feel better in the short term, but it reinforces the anxiety over the long run. Let’s say a child in an uncomfortable situation gets upset and starts to cry — not to be manipulative, but just because that’s how they feel. If their parents whisk them out of there or remove the thing they’re afraid of, the child has learned that coping mechanism. And that cycle has the potential to repeat itself.

 

3. Express positive — but realistic — expectations.

You can’t promise a child that their fears are unrealistic—that they won’t fail a test, that they’ll have fun ice skating, or that another child won’t laugh at them during show & tell. But you can express confidence that they’re going to be okay, that they will be able to manage it. And you can let them know that as they face those fears, their anxiety level will drop over time. This gives them confidence that your expectations are realistic, and that you’re not going to ask them to do something they can’t handle.

4. Respect their feelings, but don’t empower them.

It’s important to understand that validation doesn’t always mean agreement. So if a child is terrified about going to the doctor because they’re due for a shot, you don’t want to belittle those fears, but you also don’t want to amplify them. You want to listen and be empathetic, help them understand what they’re anxious about, and encourage them to feel that they can face their fears. The message you want to send is, “I know you’re scared, and that’s okay, and I’m here, and I’m going to help you get through this.”

 

5. Don’t ask leading questions.

Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, but try not to ask leading questions— “Are you anxious about the big test? Are you worried about the science fair?” To avoid feeding the cycle of anxiety, just ask open-ended questions: “How are you feeling about the science fair?”

 

6. Don’t reinforce the child’s fears.

What you don’t want to do is be saying, with your tone of voice or body language: “Maybe this is something that you should be afraid of.” Let’s say a child has had a negative experience with a dog. Next time they’re around a dog, you might be anxious about how they will respond, and you might unintentionally send a message that they should, indeed, be worried.

7. Encourage the child to tolerate their anxiety.

Let your child know that you appreciate the work it takes to tolerate anxiety in order to do what they want or need to do. It’s really encouraging them to engage in life and to let the anxiety take its natural curve. We call it the “habituation curve.” That means that it will drop over time as he continues to have contact with the stressor. It might not drop to zero, it might not drop as quickly as you would like, but that’s how we get over our fears.

 

8. Try to keep the anticipatory period short.

When we’re afraid of something, the hardest time is really before we do it. So another rule of thumb for parents is to really try to eliminate or reduce the anticipatory period. If a child is nervous about going to a doctor’s appointment, you don’t want to launch into a discussion about it two hours before you go; that’s likely to get your child more keyed up. So just try to shorten that period to a minimum.

 

9. Think things through with the child.

Sometimes it helps to talk through what would happen if a child’s fear came true—how would they handle it? A child who’s anxious about separating from their parents might worry about what would happen if a parent didn’t come to pick them up. So we talk about that. If your mom doesn’t come at the end of soccer practice, what would you do? “Well, I would tell the coach my mom’s not here.” And what do you think the coach would do? “Well, he would call my mom. Or he would wait with me.” A child who’s afraid that a stranger might be sent to pick them up can have a code word from their parents that anyone they sent would know. For some kids, having a plan can reduce uncertainty in a healthy, effective way.

 

10. Try to model healthy ways of handling anxiety.

There are multiple ways you can help kids handle anxiety by letting them see how you cope with anxiety yourself. Kids are perceptive, and they’re going to take it in if you keep complaining on the phone to a friend that you can’t handle the stress or the anxiety. I’m not saying to pretend that you don’t have stress and anxiety, but let kids hear or see you managing it calmly, tolerating it, feeling good about getting through it.

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Tips for Calming Anxious Kids  

One mom's go-to techniques for coaxing anxiety-prone children out of their fears

by Michaela Searfoorce

 

Anyone who’s met me knows that I’m the homeschooling mother of six smart, funny, adventurous, noisy children ranging from infants to teenagers. Many people also know that my oldest son has multiple special needs, my 6-year-old struggles with Asperger’s and ADHD, and my 4-year-old is allergic to everything. Okay, maybe I’m a little bit off the grid. But what might not be at all uncommon about my family is that our greatest challenge — more than allergies, developmental delays, or even homeschooling — is anxiety.

Anxiety is what drives my 7-year-old daughter into my room nearly every night. It’s what prevents the lights from being 100 percent off in any bedroom (much to my husband’s dismay). It’s what causes my sons to slink around the house if they’ve broken something or if they’ve had an accident because they just can’t bear to tell us about it. It causes little lies and big tantrums. Anxiety is why certain of my kids need to play with babysitters half a dozen times before they are left alone with them, and why we arm relatives — even grandparents — with a list of what-ifs and just-in-cases a mile long.

Sound familiar? Then consider us a test site for a highly developed “toolbox” for dealing with anxiety-prone children. With innumerable opportunities for trial and error, we’ve found the following disarmingly simple techniques to be highly effective and we’ve passed them on to babysitters who’ve successfully deployed them. We predict that they will work for you, and your sitters, too.

1. The gasp and distract

“Whoa! I think I saw a bat outside!” has been a key phrase test-driven by parents and then used by friends and family throughout the toddler years when a kid wakes up from a nap sobbing that I’m not home. The bat, instead of causing more anxiety, apparently shocks my toddlers into craning their necks to see the supposed bat flying around our sunny Texas backyard.

 

2. The silly song

Sung enthusiastically to one toddler while ignoring the other, of course. “Little Bunny Foo-Foo” and “Where is Thumbkin” have been among the most successful at bringing giggles to the surface.

 

3. The indirect compliment

The indirect part is important here. Everyone has seen a small child hide behind their mother when addressed by an adult. But have you ever walked into a room to, “Wow, who made these roasted carrots? They’re amazing!” and felt an instant kinship with the party guest who had unknowingly praised your cooking? “Wow, who made this Lego airplane?” Try asking a sibling or parent within earshot for maximum effectiveness.

 

4. The damsel in distress

“Ugh, how do I open this Play-Doh?” It’s amazing how quickly nervousness can be forgotten in the rush to help and, with five boys, there’s usually no shortage of knights in shining-yet-slightly-sticky armor.

 

5. Loud errors

“Wow, I really love what Ian drew here,” I said loudly to Margaret while Adam pretended not to hear from another room. “This dinosaur is really scary!” Well, that was too much for Adam — he simply had to see what we were discussing and then loudly correct me that it was a robot and that he did it, and before he knew it he had forgotten about being nervous about our dinner company.

 

6. The injury

As long as it’s your own injury. Nobody in our family can resist a scrape, a stubbed toe, or a band-aid. No blood is necessary.

 

7. A snack

Need I go further?

 

8. Making a snack

Some easy and fun suggestions include “ants on a log” (celery covered in peanut butter and dotted with raisins), peanut butter, jelly, and banana “hot dogs” in a bun, and homemade popcorn (for something that doesn’t involve peanut butter).

 

9. Go outside

And play. Don’t pull up a chair, don’t stand there and wait for nervous kids to take the lead. Our most successful caregivers have initiated a game of tag, a chalk mural, jumping on the trampoline, or even the occasional cannonball into the pool.

 

10. Pretend to buy their love

For new sitters or especially unusual situations (where I absolutely cannot be bothered for a few hours), I leave a secret bag of treats for after I’ve left. Balloons, new crayons, Tootsie Pops, bubbles, a new game — something I know is going to totally distract them and kill some time. If the kids tell me all about the sitter’s awesome surprises when I get home, I won’t tell. I have as much stake in this working out as the sitter does.

 

11. Break glass only in case of emergency

Nothing’s working? Feeling desperate? Open (cringe) a screen and ask about “this game called Minecraft.” Start styling an American Girl doll’s hair (wince). Pull out some paint and paper. Tell a knock-knock joke. Dig in the dirt and find some worms. Break out the water guns. But once you’ve gone here, you’re in for the long haul, my friend.

The body was designed to be pushed, and when we push our bodies, we push our brains, too. Learning and memory evolved in concert with the motor functions that allowed our ancestors to track down food. As far as our brains are concerned, if we’re not moving, there’s no real need to learn anything.