by Esty Limon.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)
It’s time to leave the park, but your kid isn’t ready.
You’re already running late for dinner, but he’s having a great time. You don’t want to end on a bad note, do you?
So you agree to give him a few more minutes. Then you sweetly let him know it’s really time to go.
He drags his feet. He pouts. You feel the tension building up.
You did everything right. You gave advance warning, you talked positively. What now? How are you supposed to set limits without yelling or caving in?
Why is Setting Limits So Important?
Before we figure out how to set limits, let’s quickly review what they are. A limit is your way of teaching your child what she is and isn’t allowed to do.
In the book Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Providing Clear Boundaries, author Robert J. MacKenzie explains that kids have an important job: to discover how the world works. They need to learn how far they can push you and what happens if they overstep.
Your job as a parent is to set limits, and to coach your kid so she’s able to stay within them.
Through limits, your kid learns self-regulation skills so he can make good choices in the wider world. He also learns about healthy relationships, and that he needs to take others’ needs into account when he makes his choices.
Limits also keep kids healthy and safe. Let’s face it, if we parents weren’t there to limit where our kids go and what they eat, what do you think they’d do all day? Probably play in the street and be eating chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner!
That’s not all, though. Children actually need limits to feel secure. That’s one reason why kids test limits – so they’re reassured that the limits are there.
Realities of Setting Limits
Sometimes, setting limits is easy. You let your child know what the limit is and he sticks to it.
The trouble is when your child ignores directions and violates the limit. And when you redirect him, he throws a tantrum, accuses you of being a bad parent, or just flat out ignores you.
What do you do then? Nag? Shout? Drop the limit altogether?
If you allow your child to take on all the power in your relationship, you’re in for a rough time. Your kid won’t learn how to respect limits and will struggle when he interacts with the wider world.
And you’ll find it incredibly stressful to function when your kid always gets final say in pretty much everything.
But how do you set limits? Are punishment and rewards the answer?
The Trouble with Traditional Limit-Setting
When my daughter was two and a half, I decided it was time to potty train. I did everything right. I read all the potty training books in my local library, and bought a few for good measure. I got a doll to model with and prizes and treats as rewards.
My daughter loved the attention and the rewards. But once I started scaling back, she started wetting.
Help! That was not supposed to happen.
So I switched to using a potty chart instead. And she figured out that as long as she sat on the toilet regularly, she’d get her prize – whether or not she actually stayed dry.
Well, if rewards didn’t work, maybe it was time to try some punishments. (Cringe-worthy, I know. But I was too busy reading potty training books to brush up on my positive parenting techniques.)
Anyway, time-out didn’t work. Nor did insisting that she clean up the mess.
In hindsight? She just wasn’t ready. Three months later, I gave up and put her into Pull-Ups. She wound up trained after her third birthday.
That’s the trouble with traditional limit-setting. It ignores the reasons why most kids misbehave.
Why Kids Violate Limits
Kids want to make the right choices. They want to stick to your limits. If they don’t, it’s because:
They feel a weak connection to you, and so they don’t feel the need to follow your limits, or
They’re feeling hurt and angry, and this is their way of working through those feelings.
Punishment and reward are actually very similar. They both work to control your kid’s behavior, rather than teaching your kid to control her own behavior.
By doing that, you rob your child of his intrinsic motivation to choose correctly. You actually make it less likely that he’ll make the right choice next time – and you’ll be stuck stepping in yet again.
Your goal is to be the coach rather than the cop.
You don’t want to be correcting her behavior forever. Instead, you want to help her build up her own self-regulation skills.
But how are you supposed to do that?
#1 Set Your Limits Right
The first step is to set clear and consistent limits.
You need to make sure that your child knows what the rules are, and is on board with following them.
The easiest way to create rules is actually to brainstorm together with your child. When kids are involved in the process, they’re much more likely to cooperate.
Like we mentioned, kids intrinsically want to do the right thing. You’ll be surprised at what they can come up with.
Distill their ideas (and yours) into three to five rules, and write them down to make them concrete. Then, discuss the rules and explore what the values are behind the rules. Let your child know that he needs to follow the spirit of the rule, not just the letter of the rule.
Now, note that consistency doesn’t mean you can’t make exceptions to the rule. If you’re at a party with your kids, that might be a good time to allow them to eat dessert before the main course. Just make sure your child understands why you’re doing things differently and that your usual rules haven’t changed.
Kids will learn flexibility and critical thinking skills if you talk through your reasoning.
#2 When Your Child Crosses a Limit
You can have the best family rules ever, but at some point your child will violate them.
That’s okay! Kids are supposed to test limits. Remember, that’s part of a child’s job.
So what do you do now?
The first step is to gently redirect. Let your kid know, “Remember, our rule is that we do homework before we go outside. It’s time to do your homework now.”
What if he still doesn’t obey? Then you’ll need to get physical to make sure that he does.
You aren’t punishing your child. You aren’t getting rough with him. Just gently hold him by the hand or the shoulder so he knows that he can’t just ignore you.
So he knows you mean business.
Patty Wipfler’s book Listen gives some great tips on how to peacefully set a limit:
Take a few moments and find your inner calm. Is your child’s behavior tensing you up? Do a little slow breathing. You need to find your inner peace so you can work with her peacefully.
Get down to your child’s eye level and gently ask what’s going on. Listen to her take on the situation, and empathize with her.
Calmly state the limit and use touch to make sure she listens and obeys.
Actions speak louder than words. And kids learn from what you do, not from what they’re told.
#3 Let Your Child Cry, It’s Okay
What if your child starts crying? Does a Fine Parent let their kid cry?
Dr. Laura Markham, in her book Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings, is very emphatic. It’s okay for kids to cry sometimes. Their tears are a sign of grief, and grief is what helps them learn to make better choices next time.
And Patty Wipfler says that when your child cries, he’s releasing the hurt and angry feelings that led him to violate your limit. Those tears can actually help to heal your relationship with your child.
Instead of working to stop the crying, show your child empathy. Let him know that you feel his pain and you’re here for him. This helps him learn to regulate his own emotions.
Give her time. She might need a long crying jag to recover from her overwhelm and whatever hurt is swimming through her.
After she calms down, help her come up with a plan for the future. What was it that led her to violate your boundaries today? How can she regulate herself next time? Get a commitment that she’ll follow the plan.
It’s true that kids hate bumping into your limits. But when you balance the limit-setting with listening and connection, limits actually become a positive thing. He knows that you said no but you care about him — or, maybe, you said no because you care about him.
So, the next time your child violates a limit, stop and breathe. That way, you’ll respond from a place of peace instead of anger.
Then make a mental note on when and how she violated the limit. You might even want to jot down a few notes. This will help you tweak your limits so your child is more likely to follow them.
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Here are a few questions to think about:
What limits do you have in your family? Do your kids know what they are?
What do you do if your child violates a limit? Are you consistent about it?
Is there a behavior that your child does often and you’re unhappy about? Do you have a limit around that behavior? If not, do you want to create one? If you do, can you tweak the consequence to make sure it’s achieving your goal of coaching your child rather than punishing him?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Create a family meeting, involving every family member if possible. Ask everyone what rules they think already exist in your family as well as what rules are necessary. Distill everyone’s ideas into 3-5 rules.
Continue to practice peaceful limit-setting. Old habits die hard, and most of us are used to either yelling or caving in. Work to train yourself to take a few deep breaths and respond peacefully and firmly.
Notice what happens after your child cries. Does your relationship grow stronger? If so, you’ll find it easier to hold firm the next time.
Kind regards,
Ms. Espeleta
EC-1st grade Counselor
By Isabel Urrutia
It is very important to teach our children about digital citizenship. But do you know what digital citizenship refers to?
Digital citizenship refers to responsible technology usage, and teaching digital citizenship is essential to helping students achieve and understand digital literacy, as well as ensuring cyberbullying prevention, online safety, digital responsibility, and digital health and wellness.
This a list of general guidelines that children should follow when using technology:
Keep your identity secret
Don’t talk to strangers
Only reply to emails of people you know
Don’t meet online friends in real life
Protect your passwords
Don’t post private identifying information
Tell somebody
If you ever feel that you are in danger or that your privacy has been violated please speak to someone:
Your parents, a teacher, a trusted adult
If you&
