Not goodbye…but see you later. Coping with separation anxiety

For many children, going back to school is an exciting time, filled with the prospect of new adventures, fun, and friendships. Other children, however, may suffer from separation anxiety, especially if they spend a lot of time with their family over the summer break. What exactly is separation anxiety? It is a feeling of lack of control when you are away from someone, i.e., a crutch or security blanket.

Between four and seven months of age, a child begins what is referred to as “object permanence” – realizing things exist even without them being physically present. It’s only natural for young children to develop a sense of attachment to someone – in most cases, a parent. When faced with the absence of that attachment, the child feels anxious, which can manifest through tears, temper tantrums, or other unproductive behavior.

There are specific steps parents can take to help ease their children’s fears, which can provide much-needed reassurance. Here are some helpful tips and ideas to keep in mind:

• Develop a ritual – Establish a “high-five,” a particular wave, two kisses, or a fist bump that signifies it’s time to transition to school
• Be consistent and specific – Give children concrete ideas of when you will pick them up/see them again. This provides a structure for their day. For example, tell them you will see them “after lunch” or “after rest time.” This offers some indication as to when to expect you. Remember that children thrive on routines!
• Substitute the word “goodbye” with “until I see you again” or “see you later” to bridge the distance.
• Help children identify someone – Whether a teacher or another caregiver at school who can help them “collect their tears of sadness" and put them away for the day. Creating this kind of connection with another trusted adult can greatly help children develop emotional regulation skills.

What you may find surprising is that parents may also experience separation anxiety – just as much or sometimes more than children do. The COVID-19 pandemic forced families to spend a lot of extra time together, which may have deepened those feelings of attachment in some ways. Below are some tips for parents as they manage their own feelings of separation anxiety:

• Remember, it’s normal to have some degree of “child sickness.”
• Address your own fears by asking yourself, “where do these feelings come from?” “What past childhood experiences did I have that are causing these fears?”
• Don’t feel guilty! Remember your child’s intense feelings are often a result of a healthy attachment between the two of you.
• Your child will feel better about leaving you if you are a happier, healthy parent.
• Learning to let go is healthy for their development and ability to interact with new people and explore new environments.
• Remember these feelings are only temporary and children are resilient in the face of change.

Cherish quality time with your kids, knowing when they return to school and re-establish a routine, you now have some tools and techniques to help make the transition go smoothly.

See the author's interview about the subject on KPRC2 News.